Seeing people reading my blog... I feel so blessed (I don't know who you are, but I see how many people reading the posts haha!) Thank you for walking this dim period of faith with me, and sharing all my burden and negative energies. Sorry I was hoping to uplift all of you through God's words and my journey with Him, but yes, I must also genuinely share my struggles in Him with you. Even if there may only be one of you reading my posts (you are so special haha), I see the reason why God has called me to write this blog. This all reminds me of the promise I made with God, that I am living my life for Him, and letting Him use me as a medium to do His work. Thank you for reminding me of His graces, and my covenant with Him :)
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There has been some turmoil going on in me. And as I read this following paragraph from the book "Knowing God", I see insight as to what I am struggling in heart. There is an inclination in me that I want to experience the world to the fullest before handing myself over to God to experience a new world in His kingdom... Somehow I am confronting the second commandment of the covenant. God revealed to Moses that He is a jealous God: "The Lord very frequently addresses us in the character of a husband... As He performs all the offices of a true and faithful husband, so He requires love and chastity from us; that is, that we do not prostitute our souls to Satan... As the purer and chaster a husband is, the more grievously he is offended when he sees his wife inclining to a rival; so the Lord, who has betrothed us to Himself in truth, declares that He burns with the hottest jealousy whenever, neglecting the purity of His holy marriage, we defile ourselves with abominable lusts, and especially when the worship of His deity, which ought to have been most carefully kept unimpaired, is transferred to another, or adulterated with some superstition; since in this way we not only violate our plighted troth, but defile the nuptial couch, by giving access to adulterers." God has jealousy because He cares about our relationship. He loves us so much, that if we spoil our covenant relationship with Him, He shall judge and destroy the faithless (of course He has the power to judge and destroy but not us!). He will also raise those who are loyal and love Him so much after the judgment. Another paragraph about our response to God's jealousy struck me. We should have "zeal" for God, as He has great love and passion and concerns for us: "Zeal in religion is a burning desire to please God, to do His will, and to advance His glory in the world in every possible way. I wonder what I am doing. What has the earth to offer when compared to a purpose-driven life? What more can satisfy me if not to do what I am made for?
Sorry ah Pa. I have not been a good testimony - I forgot that I am a testimony. Been like a girl, hoping to try it myself before handing everything onto You. I know I would not succeed, but I still want to try or do it in my own way first; and seek for You in the last minute when I am about to fail the deadline. This is not what You want, I know. You care so much about our relationship that You hope I would NEED You all the time, every moment in life...
I must admit that I have been walking further from You, especially in the second half of my exam period. Been trying to work out my discipline with my own ability; and I failed. I ended up online shopping all day long and not revising :( I have been shouting to You for help... cannot and don't know how to surrender myself now. Please rescue me from all these laziness and desires; and re-enlighten my focus on You. Just You. Ah Pa..... don't know what I want, and such a mess in my mind now. But yes, I need You. Please don't let me go... My body is Yours; You live in me. Please bring me away from temptations; help me win over them. Please raise me from this materialistic world, and refill my heart with the joy and peace and contentment in You. My heart has been escaping, running here and there, but I am tired. I want to rest. Feel like rubbish now. I am really nothing without You. Valueless. Identity-less. Okay I'm really not exaggerating my feelings - You see all sins the same. And I am just a sinner - being worse, I always forget that I am a sinner, and therefore more importantly, Your grace. How can I print this so strongly in my heart, that I can never forget it anymore????? Help me please, ah Pa. Help me. Anyway, sorry ah Pa, sorry for all that I've done. Please forgive me. I read this letter from John to the Church in Laodicea this morning. Words from the Lord. And I found it interesting how God put it... "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, "I am rich, I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing." But you do not realise that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on you eyes, so you can see." Mmmm.... like a sales. But He is so true. I might think of myself as 'kind-of' a faithful disciple. And I say that I am abundant in Him. Yet I still look for this and that from the world. I still cannot discipline myself in Him. Do I really know who I am, and what is my heart really thinking now?? Instead of being neither hot nor cold - He would rather me think and reflect thoroughly who I am and who I intend to be. Have I made up my mind to follow only Him in life? If not, what is hindering me??? Can I see my shameful nakedness, therefore acknowledge that I need some clothes? Do I know I am blind, and do I want to see the truth, so that I am in need of some salve to heal and open my eyes?
I know that this is torturing for God. Just like if I doubt whether my boyfriend loves me (oh of course he does, this is just a metaphor haha), he says he does, but his actions do not support his words... I would rather he tells me he doesn't love me much indeed, or is experiencing some difficulty in loving me; or reflect on himself and change his attitude and actions to show his love. Let there be coherence in oneself. I believe God is seeking a similar answer from me. Let me reflect on my deepes heart again. Tears almost came out listening to this hymn.... "I am weary with the pain of Jacob's wrestling In the darkness with the Fear, in the darkness with the Fear But he met the morning wounded with a blessing So in the night my hope lives on When Elisha woke surrounded by the forces Of the enemies of God, the enemies of God He saw the hills aflame with angels on their horses So in the night my hope lives on I see the slave that toils beneath the yoke unyielding And I can hear the captive groan, hear the captive groan For some hand to stay the whip his foe is wielding Still in the night my hope lives on I see the armies of the enemy approaching And the people driven, trembling, to the shore But a doorway through the waters now is opening So in the night my hope lives on Like the son who thought he'd gone beyond forgiveness, Too ashamed to lift his head--but if he could lift his head He would see his father running from a distance In the night my hope lives on I can see the crowd of men retreating As he stands between the woman and their stones And if mercy in his holy heart is beating Then in the night my hope lives on I remember how they scorned the son of Mary He was gentle as a lamb, gentle as a lamb He was beaten, he was crucified, and buried And in the night, my hope was gone But the rulers of earth could not control Him They did not take his life--he laid it down All the chains of death could never hope to hold Him So in the night my hope lives on I can see the Son of Man descending And the sword He swings is brighter than the dawn And the gates of Hell will never stand against Him So in the night my hope lives on" My hope lives on in the darkest; my faith lives on :') To those that God has put you in a situation that is most frightful and threatening for you, especially two siss whose parent got into hospital. Look at the life of Abraham, he proved to God so many times his faith, but God still challenged him to give up even his son's life. God might seem unreasonable at times, because we are trying to understand Him with our limited knowledge from earth, but it is through our declaration of faith that He pours blessings upon us. God loves us, but He would bless us only if we believe in Him and have faith that He really is our God; just like that He would save us only if we hand over our sins to Jesus on the cross.
I understand it is very hard to not doubt His love and promises (that He would bring your loved one to Him perhaps)... I might as well if put in such situation. But I know my faith would not be threatened once I am reminded of God's nature of faithfulness and love. let our faith not shiver when He is asking us for proof of it. He might have chosen the thing/one you care most about to act on, but that might be to clear up anything that is blocking your relationship with Him. He is a loving God, and He does not want to kill any of His children, and would give chance to all His people to go back to Him. Do not blame God for His test, as He may merely be allowing an opportunity for us to reflect on our hearts and our lives, and reviewing our needs for Him. All we need to be sure about is His faithfulness and love, and not His time and way. It might be threatening now - but the great blessings will come afterwards if we stay faithful and strong in Him now. :) Was talking to a sis the other night, and she reminded me of this paragraph in a book. So... here is a reminder to myself and my bros/siss/friends who find that there is a pattern of searching for self in life. We subconsciously keep wanting to do the same but unnecessary things, maybe to seek for others' recognition to establish your own identity, or maybe to respond to our own self-consciousness... But when we slow down, we know this is not supposed to be who we are or what we should do. Something is hindering us from becoming the person we were created to be. Nothing beyond yourself can make you fearful or loving, Celebrating dor's birthday with our handmade chilli oil (and handmade decorations and labels haha) and mango yoghurt icy cake! Wish you all the best and a more more more loving relationship with Papa! <3
Making chilli oil last night for my dear dor! I can't eat much spice so basically could not try out the taste of it :S but hope you'd like it <3
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