Two years into the battlefield, at this very point, I can hardly trust people with all my heart, at least I cannot rely on them to protect me because experiences proved that my best friends' trustable friends' good friends... could be the reporters. Words to make my friends or family not to worry turn out to be juicy news among public. The qualities I used to be proud of were despised. Compassion for lives was seen as faking. Being requested and cared by reporters became desiring for news and popularity. Expression of feelings became target for attack... People only choose to believe in what they think about you. My name is a total construct of the reporters and recipients' mind.
After all, I can just see a field of "normal people" with "normal mindset" that have irrational logics and emotions. They make right everyone they like, they curse to death even the family of the unliked ones. No mercy, no responsibility. What the heck has happened to these people? God is this what You see in the city of Zion?
I have come to a point at which I feel as an utter outlier. Things I believed in were not justly experienced. Maybe I really am not made for here. Maybe I really could thrive so much better in other fields. I like my name as it was given by my parents full of love, and I no longer want to see it polluted and ruined. I don't want to hate my name.
And then I came across this sermon about transcultural missionary. Jesus said "Go, and be my witness". I suddenly recalled how I was called into the industry... All the miracles and visions. To be Esther, and the salt and light. Yes I once cried out loud to You and asked You to use me. I once wished so much I could praise and spread Your name in Africa. And today, You clear my blurry eyes and make me see that You have already put me in a battlefield and the battle is on, I am equipped with nothing but a small rock. Yesterday I was still a blind soldier, only responding when the enemy attacked. But today, if I remember to connect back to You, I would know which direction to move toward and what action to take. I thank You that While I could no longer trust myself, You still are willing to use me as Your servant.
Situation has not changed. The environment is still the same. But Lord thank you for clearing up our connection. I don't want to be a disconnected warrior who could be killed any minute. I am still lost and alone with few who understand and support. But at least I know that You are all in charge, You can always protect, You are the final judge, and You are the ultimate winner.
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Why I have become so bitter :(... Lord please heal and restore and revive Your servant. Amen.