How interesting - someone I do not know, a student from the school I served in Kenya, inboxed me and said he's been reading my blog... I used to think it'd be better for me to hide and not journal what I've been going through with You. That could be a more responsible act. But then got reminded by Ashley, I should not delimit what You can do.
Just want to express my lots and lots of thanks and praise for You. Last Sunday, I finally had the feeling that the previous dark age for me is finally over. I was insecure and defensive, worldly realistic concerning career and work because I did not know what to stuff my mind with, always clinging onto my relationship with Jun as an escape, had to think hard every weekend about what to do as I did not have much idea of how I wanted to spend my time. I also had nothing to talk to friends or b/s or myself as I had not been thinking; I would talk about travel about food or social topics but as soon as my friends got really indulged in the topic, I would withdraw myself as I actually wasn't that interested. In the end I just avoided social gatherings - hidden in my own hole and just wanted to occupy myself with more and more work.
I was reminded to pray to You although I did not want to, but You heard and brought me light through sermons. I started to want to treasure these enlightenments and hold You tight, so I forced myself to read 5 verses everyday, made myself to go to Plus groups when life was already too busy, suppressed my anger to pretend I could forgive when I could not, and forced Jun to do the same etc. But reached a point when I was too exhausted to do anything - so I threw all these away and lived a lazy and dissolute life.
But my heart gradually softened without knowing. And I was reminded that it is You who bring changes, that I do not have to worry about whether change would last this time. If You asked me to raft against the river direction, it would be You who created the wave which pushed me upwards; I would feel myself fighting against the strong wind on my face, but when I laid back, I would realise I was still being moved upwards and the strong wind was just a resultant force of Your doing that I could enjoy.
So I just want to say thank you. Although still confused in the world, lost in the reason of my existence, I'm safe in You. :)
Love You Lord,
Daughter