Photo updates on our last group gathering! Thank you my "Potters" (we call ourselves Potters for some silly reason haha) for sharing a term of laughters and tears with me :)))
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Busy time of the year with coursework, and a mission trip in few days. But worship and devotion shall not stop!! And this is what I had for devotion today - Philippians 1: 18-21. So how am I to respond? I've decided that I really don't care about their motives, whether mixed, bad, or indifferent. Every time one of them opens his mouth, Christ is proclaimed, so I just cheer them on! Maybe I just sometimes worry too much on whether Christians worship God with a pure motive. Or whether they are "mis-using" this faith, for instance I learned from lectures that some people actually chose to believe in God because the faith provided them with a way to actually work less and be accountable for wealth in heaven. But now God is reminding me through Paul that the heart of a servant and a child of God is simple! It is simply worship! I don't need to care about others' motives because I am in no place to judge, that is God's job. Yet whenever His name is proclaimed, just like knowing another guy supports the same sports team as you do, I rejoice! Also need not reflect or think too much on whether I am a good Christian or whether I have pure motive in worshipping. I suppose Mother Teresa would not waste time on thinking if she was serving leprosy patients for a pure motive too; she would just serve because she thought they were needy of love. I merely need to practice and learn to love and serve with all my heart and soul. That's all.
Just do it! I want to carry the truth, peace and love everywhere I go.
I want a real flame in the heart; I want a burning desire - don't want to be a dry bone anymore. I want to always look forward to my life and everything ahead. When I lose joy, I recall myself in wholehearted worship to You. When I have fear, I let myself look naked and vulnerable. I do not attack or defense, but kneel in front of You for Your love and power to engulf me. I want to love myself, like how You love me. During previous weeks of terrible illnesses, when one symptom resided another appeared, and that there seemed to be no ending to any recovery of my health... There was once I even thought that God was going to take my life away. I could not stop thinking how much I have not fully lived out my life, and how much I have not treasured my body. And pressure grew in me, about my own health, which might have worsen my health paradoxically. I just could not seek peace. In my mind I knew God is in control, and He is letting me experience all these because there is a purpose and there is a lesson. But I just could not rescue myself from all the negativity since if I did not think about my health, there seemed to be nothing else I wanted to think about... Work with all the deadlines was something I wanted to escape from; Christmas was worth celebrating but I was just not in the mood; I had wanted to see Jun so much, but the idea of departing with him again soon haunted me, and I thought when I later return to London, Schu and everyone would be gone and only me left again - with all the work. Everything happy just seemed to have turned into anxiety. Though God was there, He seemed unreachable.
Then I came to the US on Monday, to University of Virginia where Jun is. My health improved overnight! My sleeping pattern has now been adjusted, so that I go to sleep immediately when I feel sleepy at 12am, and wake up at 8am when Jun has already started working (he is having his exams now). The sun comes out here at 7 something and rests at 5pm - I actually have not been seeing so much daylight in a day for so long (given the short daylight hours and my poor sleeping habit in London). Moreover, I have the urge to work hard and keep myself focused all the time, as this would encourage Jun not to lose focus too. You may not believe this, but I have been pretty productive; and have been working on my tutorial essays and coursework whenever I am not doing housework and cooking. Life here is simple, calm and focused. It reminds me of my Concord high school life. And with all nature in sight, I am connecting with God once again through His creation. To be honest I have not put God on my agenda when I planned to come to see Jun. But He sneaked in anyway, treasuring every opportunity to show His glory and beauty and love. He has given me a retreat to restore my relationship with myself, so that I would be ready to listen and respond to Him again in my life. Besides, to be able to work for someone you love is really so blessed. I can be so disciplined and enjoy myself so much when I know this does good to Jun. And if I can see more clearly reponses of God to what I do for Him, and if I can see the purpose of my every action (that I am doing it for Him, and He would appreciate so much if it happens), how energized I will be and how much I will love and enjoy my life! Just like how much I want to stick to Jun every second, I want to stick to God every second! But I just need to learn to not lose focus on Him and forget about Him at any time. Pray to Papa God because You need to be bigger and more visible in my life!! |
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